Diggin
by DinKeY
Summary: Scandal, Mystery and tight lilac pants ensue when Frodo dissapears..will the strange girls be able to bring him back? And who is that shady, shiny character lurking by the tool shed?


Diggin   
  


Days in the Fantasy Realm had passed quicky for the three (yes three) strange girls. They often wondered if it would ever end, for surely, if that should happen, they would wither and die from lack of dirty smutness.   
  


The Perv Tree was at it's brightest in these days, the hills were alive with the sound of moaning and strange animal sounds (mostly cause of unbergenzt...) and the other occupants of the land were content in their new found pervy ways.   
  


The land was in it's glory days, just like an ancient Kingdom of Old....but more perverted.   
  


On a particulary normal day, when the sun was shining and the girls were lounging beside the Unusually Warm Lake, Strange girl one, while munching on her chocolate bar, said unto the other girls, "I wonder if there is a god of chocolate?"   
  


The other two strange girls pondered this question for a while, but alas, they had no answer.   
  


For the rest of this particulary normal day, the three girls pondered this positively intriguing question, they even labeled it as one of the great mysteries of the pervy world, along with such questions as "If there is a train traveling south from one city, and another traveling north from another, and after two hours they pass each other. Will they have enough Dairy Whip to last the entire trip?"   
  


So the day turned into night. And with the night came camp fire stories and much drunken reveling that the Greeks would surely be proud of.   
  


"You know what I think?" Said a very drunk Strange girl two, " I think, that there is a god of chocolate, and he's also the god of Smut, and he lives in a giant palace of gold and silver and on weekends, he goes bowling." She sat down on a nearby log and sighed happily.   
  


"Bowling...." Lilah looked closely at the ingredients on Dairy Whip bottle she was holding, glanced at Strange girl one and shrugged.   
  


The dark night grew darker, and the time was late so the strange girls and the many other inhabitants of the land finally turned in for the night.   
  


******   
  


As dawn broke in the Fantasy Realm, there was a shrill cry across the land.   
  


"He's gone!! Oh sweet lord above who cares for us and our dairy, he's gone!"   
  


The three strange girls awoke from their slumbers, and rushed to where the screaming was coming from; Frodo's lavish, purple velvet abode.   
  


"Oh for the love of pies!" cried strange girl one."Again? Frodo's gone...again?"   
  


Sam sat beside Frodo's bed crying, his spade lying lifeless beside him, it's gleam, gone. Lilah knelt beside it and stroked it lovingly.   
  


"Maybe he's at the Perv Tree..." said Strange girl two hopefully.   
  


The gleam came back to Sam's spade, and a glint of happiness shined upon the faces of all who stood within the room.   
  


The small group rushed to the Perv Tree only to find, to their disappointment, that Frodo wasn't there.   
  


"Is he going to die?" came a small, Scottish voice from behind them.   
  


"No Pippin, he's not." sighed Strange girl one.   
  


It was then decided, that the group should go in search of Frodo. None of them had any idea where he might be, they didn't even have clues. But they vowed, that they would find him and bring him home.....   
  


*****   
  


Once their supplies where in order and arrangements had been made for the trip, the companions were ready to set out on their journey.   
  


A yell "wait!" made the group turn toward the Perv Tree. Unbergenzt stood beside the thick, round, hard, trunk of the tree, a deep, meaningful look in her eyes. Sam clutched his spade tightly to his chest.   
  


"I have something you should know about before you go." She spoke calmly, her eyes resting on Sam's spade..."Sam's spade is my nephew!"   
  


Everyone gasped. Could it be true? Could she really be Sam's spades Aunt? Whispers of 'can it be true?' and 'you mean she's related to a metal implement?' escaped the crowd.   
  


"I didn't want to hurt you Sam, but I...I...I'm in love with it!"   
  


More whispers and gasps from the crowd.   
  


"...and ...Sam is my brother!"   
  


Sam grasped onto his spade harder while everyone turned to look at him.   
  


"Oh Sam..." breathed Lilah, "Is it true?"   
  


Sam blushed crimson. "Yes...it's all true." Sam hung his head in shame.   
  


Unbergnezt continued, " which would make the spade his nephew as well...or maybe even...his long lost son! " She took a breath, "...and since the spade had a brief affair with Pippin, who secretly bore Spade The Second, Sam now is a grandfather..."   
  


The Bold and the Beautiful theme floated through the tense air. Everyone stared at Pippin.   
  


"... and I am a great aunt, and, get this... because Spade the Second was mistaken one dark night for Spade the First by Sam... they secretly conceived... Sam is now a great-grandfather... his partner being his own grandson."   
  


Sam's mouth stood agape. His eyes, dark and focused on Spade, the once meaningless metal fondle object who in the space of five minutes had become an object of ultimate scandal!   
  


Still, Unbergenzt continued, "...and there was a murder late last night... one of Merry's illegitimate Hobbentlings was killed. Everyone suspects a jealous Pippin... but it wasn't Pippin... it was Pippin's secret lover Aragorn!" She paused and waited for the gasps and whispers to end.   
  


" Pippin doesn't want to testify, as his only alibi is Boromir, and he doesn't want to make Aragorn jealous...even though Aragorn has secretly been having relations with *both* Boromir and Legolas behind Pippin's back!"   
  


Pause. 

"So, Pippin goes crying to Legolas, hoping he might be understood, and then Legolas works himself into such a tizzy that he needs a good pointy-object bumfuck. Who does he go to? Spade! Which leads us directly back to Sam."   
  


Everyone stood still and quiet.   
  


Unbergenzt panted.   
  


Sam threw Spade on the ground.   
  


Finally, Unbergenzt concluded, " Frodo knows it all, and Spade is trying to bribe him into silence because he knows Frodo wants Sam all to himself...that's why he's gone. He ran away, from you Sam, and from that slut of a Spade!"   
  


No one could speak. This was all to much.   
  


"Well fuck!" cried Strange girl One, "That's the most incestuous tale of lust, scandal and bribery I've ever heard!"   
  


"Hmm..." said Strange girl Two. "So where has Frodo gone?"   
  


Unbergenzt shrugged, "I don't know. I suppose he's gone far, far away. Beyond the city walls, into...the Promised Land." She stared thoughtfully toward the horizon.   
  


"The Promised Land? But...I thought..." Lilah trailed off.   
  


"...it didn't exist?" finished Unbergenzt   
  


"Guys. We didn't think the perv tree existed either." All turned to Merry, who was standing beside the firm, meaty, rock hard trunk of the Perv Tree. "But it does. So now, we much search for this great Promised Land, and bring Frodo back." Merry smiled, in his heart knowing that no one had ever found the Promised Land, and there indeed was a chance, that it didn't exist.   
  


The companions all cheered and raised their beer mugs high. Then they cheered again because they suddenly had beer mugs.   
  


*******   
  


The group began to trudge the long path to the Promised Land. Through rain, and snow and wind, they would hold hope in their hearts, that they would find Frodo, whom they loved so dearly.   
  


They had left Unbergenzt behind to care for the animals while they were gone. They imagined Boromir might come looking for them at some point, so she would be there to tell him what had happened.   
  


The companions stayed silent as they walked, alone in their pervy thoughts.   
  


It was going to be a long journey.   
  
  
  


*****   
  


Unbergenzt stared at the ground, a strange gleam in her eye. She was alone finally, with *him*, the one she so desired. Spade. She reached down and placed delicate fingers around the smooth, hard handle...   
  


The sun shone.   
  


Spade glinted.   
  


*****   
  


Before long, the companions came upon a small, sheltered beach, aglow with the fading light of the sunset. The sea echoed the colour of the changing sky, and the group realised that there were in fact two suns lingering above the horizon, emerging suddenly from silver lined clouds. They stood in awe at the beauty of their surroundings and decided it would be a good idea to rest on this small slice of paradise for the night. 

"Pip! Look!," Merry pointed to a small, wooden chest nestled in the sand to their left.   
  


The three Strange girls watched as Merry and Pippin made their way over to the chest, eyeing it curiously....   
  


Legolas pranced happily along the water front, digging his feet into the sand occasionally, winking seductively at Aragorn (who had stayed quiet most of the trip) now and again. "Ooh Aragorn, will you swim with me?"   
  


Aragorn blinked against the bright light which silhouetted the shape of the elf.   
  


"We could swim naaaaaked..." Legolas purred, curling his hair around his finger and slowly untying one of the many ribbons which kept his ketch little green velvet outfit from falling off.   
  


The three Strange girls' eyes grew wide at this and they were quick to send words of encouragement toward the dirty ranger.   
  


Aragorn stripped off his wears and made a dash for the orange tinged water.   
  


'Much like a sea of sweet orange cordial..,' thought an excited Lilah..   
  


Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin opened the chest....   
  


******   
  


"Oh Spade, yes...oh god..your so bad....uhng..yes!" Unbegrenzt cried, over and over again. She couldn't handle it. God Spade was *so* good. She'd never had such a lover before. "Harder, yessss, HARDER!!" she hissed.   
  


Spade pumped harder and harder into Unbegrenzt's....garden.   
  


"Oh ! Yessss!!" Unbegrenzt leaned forward, margarita in hand and dropped a single seed into the giant, soily hole which Spade had dug. She turned to Spade and smiled. "I'm going to have your children one day Spade."   
  


Spade glimmered.   
  


*******   
  


"Pip, you look fabulous!" Merry almost sang the words.   
  


Pippin wore a brilliant white shirt, trimmed with pink and gold. His once brown pants now shimmered silver and white in the last rays of the sun. Upon his head, he wore a crown of pink and silver, it too shimmered in the half-light.   
  


It seemed the goods which the mysterious chest contained were of a perfect fit.   
  


"So do you Merry!" Pippin replied.   
  


Merry grinned to himself, dressed in tight pink pants and a strange ruffled shirt which matched his own bright pink, sparkly crown. He winked at Pippin, then went back to work rifling through the rest of the things the chest contained.   
  


"All I need now is a bright white unicorn on which to ride!" Pippin said proudly.   
  


Suddenly, from behind a bush came a strange sound..much like a horse makes, but different.   
  


Then it emerged. A smelly brown...donkey. The stupidest, ugliest creature any of them had ever seen, accompanied with a hoard of huge, smelly black flies.   
  


"My god! That's...hideous," cried Lilah screwing up her face in disgust.   
  


"That wasn't exactly what I was aiming for..." mumbled Pippin as he backed away.   
  


Legolas's laughing could be heard from down the beach, "Nice Asssssss...."   
  


Just then, David Bowie ran along the beach, clad in tight lilac pants, a flowing, ruffled white shirt (naturally gaping open to reveal his chest beneath) tucked neatly into them. A crowd ran after him singing. "Lets dance!!..Lets sway!!" while David himself mumbled something about the moonlight and red shoes.   
  


A loud *thud* came from behind the girls. They turned to see a very stunned Trianne laying googly eyed on the sand, her clothes drenched in drool. "Uh..I....um....oh fuck it," she said and ran off after the group.   
  


"I want Bowie's boots!" cried Strange girl one and started running down the beach after Trianne.   
  


Lilah turned to Strange girl two. "You've been watching Labyrinth again haven't you...?"   
  


Strange girl two shrugged, "It's a good movie! It's educational too: David Bowie's super-tight lilac pants taught me much about male anatomy at a young age!" She bent down beside the chest and pulled out a shiny pink and gold crown which had the word 'Perv' written on it in diamonds. She placed it on her head, grinned, then toddled off down to the water to engage in some pervy romp-watching.   
  


Lilah smiled and followed, but not before she got her own pink crown.   
  


Looking down the beach, Strange girl Two could see Strange girl one walking triumphantly toward her, boots in hand.   
  


Then, looking toward the horizon, she watched the two suns' finally disappear. They were quickly replaced by two perfectly rounded...moons (I can't believe you're even thinking THAT you dirty perv!)   
  


Legolas and Aragorn splashed water playfully at each other in the moon light. Lilah began to dribble.   
  


Meanwhile, Sam was gazing lovingly at the smelly brown donkey, licking his lips, thanking the Lord of Dairy that he wasn't wearing tight pants, when Merry all of a sudden decided he couldn't handle the growing throb in his super tight pink pants anymore, picked Pippin up in his arms and ran off with him into the conveniently non-spiky bushes.   
  


At the same moment, as if sensing the begins of some saucy hobbit smut, Trianne ran screaming back up the beach a piece of Lilac cloth between her teeth. "Uh...I ...Um...oh fuck it!" she mumbled and ran into the bush after the two tight-panted hobbit's, dragging Gimli (and his ass axe) along with her.   
  


Strange girl one finished pulling on her new boots and cried out. "With new butt whip action!"With that, she did a high karate style kick, the likes of which the other girls had never seen. The girls cheered and raised their cocktail glasses high, quickly drained them and ran off in different directions.   
  


Sam stood alone with the smelly brown Donkey on the beach. Legolas and Aragorn were busy with Strange girl One, Lilah was making a penis shaped sand castle, and Strange girl Two had run off into the bushes screaming her pre-smut battle cry, "ass!!" at the top of her lungs.   
  


Sam grinned at Smelly Brown Donkey.   
  


Smelly Brown Donkey...donkeyed.   
  


******   
  


Unbegrenzt stood perplexed (and yes that is the most complex word I have used in this entire series..) at the kitchen sink (a gift from Haleth, naturally). It glimmered chrome in the moonlight, and she watched as a bar of pure white soap slid slowly down the rim of it.   
  


The white contrast on silver gave her an idea. It was a wild idea. Something she would never have imagined she would do in a million years. It was...a brilliant plan. A masterful plan. Some would even call it genius.   
  


"Yeeesss..." she whispered as she walled away from the sink, down the hallway, into the bedroom and opened the closet door.   
  


She pulled something from the closet then, and held it close to her bosom.   
  


"Yessssss...."   
  


******   
  


After 9 long days of travel (and brief stop so that Smelly Brown Donkey could rest it's Smelly Brown fly covered legs) the group halted upon a mountain top. They had passed the city walls but 3 days ago, and already, there was hope of finding the Promised land. The clouds parted, and the rain eased. Sunlight filtered down on them, and the way was revealed to them at last.   
  


"Promised Land, 5km's this way." Pippin read the bright red arrow happily.   
  


*****   
  


5 minutes later....   
  


"What in the name of Pippins Willy is that?" asked Strange girl two   
  


"That...is the Kingdom of Smut itself..." said Merry.   
  


"Merry, how is it that you know all this?" asked Pippin sourly   
  


"Uh, because there's a sign?" Merry pointed out.   
  


They group looked closer and indeed, there stood a huge pink sign with the words KINGDOM OF SMUT written in big, bold white letters.   
  


Pippin grunted.   
  


******   
  


10 minutes later...   
  


The group was greeted at the palace gates by a small, ugly creature. "Well aint you a pack of fine assed sexy spank-worthy lovelies!" he spoke with a strangely English accent, "Why, I just want to take you and tie you up, and have my wicked way with your sexy bumkins!"   
  


Pippins eyes lit up. "Oh can you, pleeease! It's been such a long journey, and Merry hasn't put out once."   
  


"What!? That's a lie! What about that time when we'd just passed the city gates?"   
  


"That wasn't me..."   
  


Gimli grinned.   
  


*****   
  


The Strange girls had decided to enter the Smut Palace alone and leave the others outside. It was after all, their land, and therefore, their job to rescue Frodo.   
  


So onward they walked, until they came to great big pink doors with funny little patterns on them, which they concluded were in fact little dildos.   
  


"Are we ready for this? We can't be sure what will be on the other side of this door..." Strange girl two asked.   
  


The other two girls nodded, and breathed deeply.   
  


Strange girl two reached for the handle (which was in the shape of a dildo too) and pulled it.   
  


The girls peered around the corner of the door and beheld....a broom closet.   
  


"That's not funny." said Strange girl one. "Why would you do that..why?" She threw her hands up in exasperation. (oooh perhaps that is the most complex word...)   
  


Strange girl two sighed and shut the door. Gazing to her left she saw a small, ugly brown door. She walked to it, and opened it.....   
  


*******   
  


"Just put it on!" pleaded Unbegrenzt."For me..?" She batted her eyelids.   
  


Spade glinted.   
  


"Please darling! You know how happy this would make me."   
  


Spade glinted.   
  


"Then you accept?"   
  


Spade glinted.   
  


Unbe let out a squeal and did a happy dance then turned around so Spade could change.   
  


******   
  


The three girls beheld the glory of the Smut Kingdom.   
  


The room was lined with bright white crystal pillars, and between them stood Apple Blossom trees with bright blooming flowers of pink and white amongst green leaves.   
  


The roof was a bright blue arch with glowing stars upon it that shone down on the room below. 

Before them, stood a giant, bright white ceramic bowl, what was in it, they couldn't tell. The bowl spun clockwise slowly. Around the bowl, was a bright blue lake, mirroring the roof above, filled with synchronized swimmers in little pink swimming caps that were covered in daisies. The swimmers waved their arms around happily as the bowl spun before them, like a giant white island.   
  


Around the lake there were dancers dressed in wavy, pink silk material. They moved slowly, almost in slow motion, letting their drapery flow around them.   
  


Then, before the girls could even comment on the beautiful scene before them, the spinning bowl began to sink. It sank slowly until the mouth of it stood but three feet above the surface of the lake.   
  


There he was.   
  


Frodo lay with his eyes closed, on a mattress of plump, succulent, cherries and ripe red strawberries. He was clad in ...tight lilac pants and nothing else. His naked skin gleamed pale against the crimson sea of sweetness.   
  


"It's...beautiful," breathed Lilah, astonished by the pure lusciousness of it all.   
  


"He looks like...an angel....a hairy angel," whispered Strange girl one.   
  


Then, as they marveled at the loveliness, snow started to fall. Perfect, white snow. 

"..like icing," smiled Strange girl two. She let some of the whiteness fall on her finger, then bought it to her mouth. "It *is* icing!" she cried.   
  


Sweet, pale Frodo was being lightly coated in a layer of white icing.   
  


The girls all stretched out their hands and caught some of the soft powder that was seemingly falling out of no where, and licked it happily off their fingers.   
  


"Are we in heaven?" whispered Lilah   
  


"I think we are..." replied Strange girl two.   
  


"But then...where is God?" said Strange girl one.   
  


Just as she spoke, bells began to toll and harmonious singing rang out through the giant room.   
  


A procession of men in tight black leather body suits appeared from a distant doorway, and made their way toward the girls.   
  


Strange girl one began to dribble.   
  


Behind the leather clad boys, was a group of young men in skimpy peter pan costumes, who made Lilah salivate, and then, finally, came a group of black haired, blue eyed lads in frilly yellow dresses and pink stockings.   
  


Strange girl two began to babble incoherently.   
  


The pretty groups of boys got closer and closer until they stopped on the opposite side of the great white bowl.   
  


Then, from the ceiling came a great rumbling sound, and a diamond covered swing descended from a hatch in the roof. White fabric flowed from the swing, flowers adorned it. The girls couldn't see sat upon it, but whoever it was, was sure making a glitzy entrance.....   
  


******   
  


Unbegrenzt turned around and beheld the most lovely site she had ever seen.   
  


Spade stood leaning seductively again the tool shed, dressed in a beautiful, lacy white wedding dress. He glistened like he'd never glistened before and Unbegrenzt found herself salivating at the sight.   
  


"Oh...oh Spade," she breathed lustily and lunged at the poor implement.   
  


A cow mooed.   
  


*****   
  


The swing landed and the girls gasped.   
  


It was the Lord of Smut himself , dressed in robes of purple and gold, and glinting slightly...   
  


*****   
  


In the few hours since Spade and Unbegrenzt had consummated their love for one another, Unbe's stomach had grown in size. Her belly strangely pointed. "Oh Spade..." she cooed.   
  


It was then that she realised he glinted differently to Spade. It wasn't Spade at all...   
  


*****   
  


"Spade!" cried Strange girl one, "But you're meant to be with Unbegrenzt!"   
  


Spade glinted.   
  


"What? You mean...Unbegrenzt is with Spade the Second?"   
  


Spade gleamed.   
  


"Oh no!" The girls all stared at each other bewildered.   
  


Spade glinted again.   
  


"We're here to get Frodo actually. You've kidnaped him." Strange girl one stared angrily at Spade, "And don't glint like your innocent, you sick, sick ....Spade!"   
  


"...That's a lie! He doesn't want to stay here with you!" yelled Lilah.   
  


"He loves Sam, not you Spade!" Strange girl two screamed.   
  


Frodo appeared beside them, still covered in icing. He looked deliciously creamy. He yawned. "I want to go home...to Sam."   
  


The girls smiled happily.   
  


"See Spade!" cried Strange girl one, "...and you call yourself the God of Smut!"   
  


"...huh? You're not the God of Smut?" said Lilah puzzled.   
  


"Then who is....?"said Strange girl one. The Strange girls and Frodo stared and Strange girl two, confused. 

"...Gimli?!" cried Strange girl two, "You mean, that ass wielding maniac with the axe?"   
  


Spade glimmered.   
  


"Well I never..."   
  


The girls stood in silence, pondering this new piece of information. It appeared hard to process.   
  


"Well that's never going to sink in," said Lilah dryly.   
  


Spade gleamed brightly.   
  


"...of course we can get rid of you! Didn't Pippin once say, that if we ceased to believe in this place, it would disappear?" said Strange girl two.   
  


The others nodded.   
  


"Well then..I don't believe in you Spade. You are nothing...." The girls and Frodo turned and began to walk away.   
  


Spade glinted frantically..then began to fade.   
  


Strange girl one turned and ran to the groups of leather clad, Skimpy costumed, dress wearing boys and ushered them outside. "We might need them later" she said when Lilah looked at her questionly.   
  


******   
  


Once outside, the girls let their eyes wander across the beautiful landscape that was the Kingdom of Smut.   
  


They were greeted by anxious friends outside. Unbegrenzt had joined them.   
  


"You've been gone for day's" said Pippin, his white shirt billowing in the breeze, his hand casually placed on the smelly brown donkeys rump, "We were beginning to worry."   
  


Strange girl two smiled and hugged the Scottish lovely bum. She then took Frodo's hand and placed it in Sam's.   
  


Unbegrenzt smiled, contentedly clad in the funkiest 70's style maternity wear the world has ever seen, he belly huge and pointed. Beside her stood Spade the Second, gleaming proudly.   
  


"You do know that's not really Spade don't you?" asked Lilah.   
  


"Yes, he admitted the whole horrible story to me over dinner one night," her face beamed, "Where *is* Spade?"   
  


"He's gone, and shall never return I believe. We told him we didn't believe in him anymore, so he disappeared." explained Strange girl One.   
  


There was silence.   
  


"So I guess we're off home then?" grinned Frodo.   
  


"Why don't we stay here?" asked Gimli clutching his axe tightly.   
  


Everyone stared at Gimli. His lack of godliness astounded the three girls and Frodo. They glanced at each other and laughed. Spade *must* have been lying, Gimli being a god was about as unlikely as them ever running out of Dairy Whip. Which they knew would never happen.   
  


So the companions journeyed home to the Fantasy Realm, singing their favourite song as they walked; Smut Shack (a cheap rip off of the song Love Shack in which the author lamely changed every LOVE to SMUT..). Merry and Pippin, still dresses in their tight pants and gaping shirts pirouetted and scissor jumped all the way home, and when at last they did get there, a great festival was held in honour of their return.   
  


Things had once again been put right in the Land of Smut. The sun began to set and the catchy up-beat melody of 'Lets Dance' rang out through out the land and Trianne could be seen chasing a half naked David Bowie on the horizon, a strip of lilac fabric hanging from her mouth. The Perv Tree was producing Cream Cans in great abundance, Merry and Pippin along with Sam and Frodo were content in their naked daily romps across the land together , Legolas and Aragorn had a strange rash in strange places from their little naked excursion (and were forced to wander naked all day every day), Unbe was modeling her trendy maternity wear with Spade the Second always by her side, and the three Strange Girls were made happy once more.   
  


The End.   
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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